Hold On To Your Kids - Book Review

I first heard about this book while listening to a La Leche League podcast. It was recommended as a good read on issues related to parent/child attachment and greatly intrigued me. To be honest, prior to reading this book, my knowledge of "attachment theory" was limited to practices such as babywearing, breastfeeding and cosleeping. Since becoming a parent I've quickly learned of the different parenting "schools", which can create quite a bit of debate in parenting circles. I was eager to learn more about the "attachment" approach and glean whatever truths I might find there.

The premise of this book is very simple, that today's kids are becoming more and more attached to their peers than their parents. They are looking to their peers as "compass points" to get their bearings in the world, to form their values and to find affirmation. The authors offer that a child's attachment to their parent is the one thing they should not grow up without. However, culture, technology, even parents themselves encourage this "peer-orientation". They posit that this peer-orientation undermines parental authority and has led to modern-day ills such as bullying, hyper-sexualization, eating disorders, etc. They do not just describe the problem, but offer tools to maintain and reestablish parent-attachment:

* Make the relationship the priority.

* Learn how your child attaches (what special way they feel loved).

* Create intimacy - cultivate an intimacy with your child that peers can't compete with.

* Create structures and impose boundaries that protect the relationship - i.e. FAMILY vacations, FAMILY celebrations, FAMILY meals, etc.

One of the most practical recommendations that I feel I can implement even now is to learn how to "collect" my child. The art of collecting, the authors write, is the reconnection that happens when the parent and child have been separated, no matter the length of time. For a mom of a toddler, it may simply be the time after a nap -instead of quickly scooping my daughter up and putting her in the car to run errands or in a highchair for lunch, to hold her for a few moments, snuggle her, tickle her - the important part is to make eye contact and illicit a smile. One of the authors writes that for him, collecting his teenage daughter after several months of feeling disconnected from her took a weekend away at a cabin, playing games, taking walks together, no cell phones, no internet.

As I've meditated on the thesis of this book, I found it's ideas applied so much to our own relationship with our Heavenly Parent. Until we truly understand the deep and gracious love of God, Our Father, and come into an intimate relationship with Him, we are merely looking to our peers, other human beings, as our compass points. It is when we know the Father and His love that we can feel true security and freedom and begin to love others with confidence. As a parent, my ultimate goal is to lead my child to be "Godward-oriented", to look to Him over myself or my husband, peers, culture or anything else on earth. However, I do believe that as parents we are also to be the utmost earthly-authority in our child's life and, especially for a young child, her orientation to us is a form of Godward-orientation (not that I am calling myself or my husband God, but that our authority is a God-ordained one).

While I don't ascribe to all of the authors theories or recommendations, I found this a very valuable resource in my journey as a mom. I would highly recommend this read to you parents out there!